Its been a while since my last post (almost a year and a half to be exact) and in that time a lot of has happened. Id say the most note worthy of all is the birth of my 2nd child, my baby girl Kaia.
Obviously I’m no stranger to motherhood. I have an almost 5 year old and have gone through the tiny infant and toddler stages, so i felt like i was pretty well equipped to handle it for the second time. What I realized quite quickly was how unprepared i actually was. It seemed like everything about the delivery and postpartum was so drastically different from the first time, that i found myself feeling completely out of control and convinced that i was loosing my mind, lol.
Mom Guilt, Party of One:
So, all through out my pregnancy I was concerned about how my 5 year old daughter would respond to her new little sister once she arrived. She had been the only grandchild on both mine and my husbands sides for almost five years, and I didn’t expect her to share her top spot that easily. Fortunately, my oldest welcomed the baby with open arms and continues to be so loving and caring towards her and shows no signs of jealously.
What i really didn’t anticipate were the over whelming feelings of mom guilt that I would have. Prior to giving birth I was always confident that i would be able to juggle and balance both girls and give them each what they needed individually once the baby arrived. But that changed once the baby actually arrived. Even as early as being in the hospital, i felt so unsure as to how i was going to equally distribute my time and love between my two kids. I didn’t want my oldest to feel left out due to all the attention the newborn was getting from mommy and daddy. I also didn’t want my new little baby to miss out on the one on one bonding time that she needed. I spent a lot of time in first few weeks stressing out about this.
As the weeks rolled by, my oldest was the one who really helped me see that even though it may not feel like it, they both had everything they needed from me. One day i just asked her: ” Do you feel like mommy and daddy aren’t there for you like we use to be? “Do you feel like you’re not getting enough attention from us?” She responded with “Yeah, but it because you have to be with the baby because she needs you, I’m a big girl!” Her response made me realize that even though the dynamics had changed, she understood why and she still loved me. I also realized that including my oldest in on the baby duties helped her and me still have time together while i was with the baby. Simple things, like her just sitting next to me while i fed the baby helped me see that she still felt connected to me and that I was able to spend time with her.
I still deal with feelings of mom guilt in different situations. And I realized that Its probably something that will always be. But I work through those feelings and I’m comforted by the fact that when i look at my kids they are thriving and happy and that’s really all that matters.